Bob Marley sang a song about “Forget Your Troubles.” We want to just forget Jamaica all together.
It has been over a month since we went to Montego Bay, Jamaica, and I have yet to write the blog. It was a bad trip. Not because Grant and I were fighting, worried about the baby, or anything—but the country and culture were not a match.
With no direct flights that matched our schedule, we hopped a Delta flight to Atlanta and then to Montego Bay. Delta had oversold the flight and was giving away $1200 per ticket. Had we known what was in store for us—we probably would have taken them up on that offer. Grant was thrilled that we had a layover in Atlanta because he could eat at Carrabba’s Italian Grill. It wasn’t the full menu, but he got his fill. The next flight was uneventful and we got to Montego Bay. Security was a breeze and we hoped in an Uber to Iberostar Montego Bay.
Iberostar Montego Bay is an all-inclusive resort nestled along the beautiful coastline of Jamaica. It was late when we checked it, but we were able to drop off our bags and eat at the buffet the hotel had. We called it an early night because the next morning, I had booked us a private excursion to the Blue Hole, Secrets Falls & Dunn’s River Falls.
Early early in the morning, we got a phone call from the front desk. I was sound asleep and answered the phone thinking there was an issue. They said something like “we wanted to welcome you..etc…” They kept talking, but Grant was pissed they woke him up so he ripped the phone cord from the wall. An hour later we got a knock on the door and they wanted to set up a meeting with us to discuss a few things. They tried to sell it, and they were giving us $300 free credit with our package.
We didn’t have time in the morning to talk so we went on our tour and figured we would return and deal with whatever that was. We didn’t realize how far the waterfalls were from the town—it was about 2 hours, but I was excited enough for the two of us. Ocho Rios is a vibrant tourist destination on the north coast of Jamaica and where we were heading. The driver was less than friendly, but got us to our first stop—Blue Hole and Secrets Falls.
The Blue Hole and Secret Falls are two stunning natural attractions that from the photos look amazing! The Blue Hole is a natural swimming hole surrounded by lush greenery and tropical scenery. Visitors often enjoy jumping off cliffs into the water, swimming, and exploring the various tiers of waterfalls that cascade into the pools below. Secret Falls is just another waterfall that is there. I didn’t realize that both attractions are at the same spot. For some reason, something told me not to bring my phone and so Grant and I left them in the van. I figured if there was something so incredible that there would be someone there to take our photos. The driver called over a tour guide and we were off.
The guide seemed nice at first. When there were slippery rocks, he held out a hand to guide us so we didn’t fall. He shared a little bit about the plantation and how this area came to be. Then he got comfortable and started sharing a bit to much. He made comments like—most people in Jamaica don’t like gay people, but I am okay with it. He doesn’t let his kid smile because he doesn’t want him to just smile unless he truly means it. He also complained that in Jamaica everything is about tourism and that people are only nice to you if they want something from you. It got awkward.
We would walk to one spot, jump off a cliff, and keep going. Eventually, the tour came to an end and we collected our towels and headed off. Not before we got a stern lecture from the tour guide about the importance of tipping. Again, awkward. We handed him $40 as a tip for a less than hour tour and were ready to get out of there as soon as we could. We were about 15 minutes down the road when I realized that my Apple watch was missing. I said the tour guide stole it and Grant thought I had lost in when jumping off the cliffs.
Fast forward—to the next day when I marked it as missing (making it useless) and suddenly Grant (my emergency contact on the watch) started getting text messages from a “supposedly good Samaritan” who found my watch and wanted to return it to us. Presumably it would be returned for a fee. We ignored the texts/calls and then the “good Samaritan” (who are certain was the tour guide) became more frequent. We think when he was holding our hands to cross the river that he slipped my watch off. It’s my own fault, but glad we didn’t bring our phones. We are thinking that he was mad because we turned down drinks, food, souvenirs, photos, and whatever else they were hawking.
Having had a bad experience there, we were not looking forward to Dunn’s River Falls. Our driver who hadn’t said 2 words to us the entire drive unless prompted out of nowhere told us—you don’t have to buy anything from the gift shop and do not take anything they give you even if they claim its free. It’s not.
Dunn’s River was interesting. When we arrived, our driver stood in line to purchase our tickets. We waited and watched as a baby walked past us reminding us of Ripley. The dad turned to us and asked us if we wanted to buy cocaine. He was literally using his kid as a distraction. We quickly said no and stepped away. Inside, we had no guidance, so we found the waterfall. It was gorgeous. We didn’t bring in our phones, so we had no pictures. We climbed it quickly and then attempted to exit. What we didn’t realize was that we had to go through the gift shops to exit. There we were accosted by multiple salespeople, who hung all over us, touched us, and offered to give us free trinkets. We politely declined and then were told that we were racist or didn’t respect their culture because we didn’t buy anything. I have dealt with high pressure sales, but this was ridiculous.
When we got back our driver was ready to go and so were we. He was drinking a SMURNOFF not to be confused with a SMIRNOFF, but at that point we didn’t care that he was clearly drinking. He seemed coherent enough and we just wanted out of there. On the way back, I asked if he could stop at a market that had a mask. I collect them and wanted one and figured I was not going to get Grant back out after this experience. We stopped at the Ocho Rios Artisan Market and I was again attacked by vendors. This was quite scary as I was surrounded at one point with people. I eventually broke free and made my way to the back of the market. I found an unfinished mask, he wanted $200, I offered the guy $40, and he accepted. I didn’t run, but it’s the fastest you could walk without calling it a run back to the car. We hit the road and were back to the hotel.
Just when you thought the nightmare of high-pressure sales, unfriendly people, and just overall disregard for personal space the hotel delivered on all of those. To get to our hotel room, you have to go through the lobby. It just so happens that guest relation workers are stationed right next to the elevators. We stopped and asked about the $300 credit. Turns out it was a scam. For every $100 you spend they give you $20. Then they tried to sign us up for a timeshare breakfast. We ended up reserving a ticket to their Benihana like dinner restaurant and made it back to the room.
We tried to take a nap, but there were a few people knocking on our door, housekeeping, beverage refresh, and guest relations again because talking to them earlier wasn’t enough. It was not a match for us. We just wanted to be left alone. We went to dinner and it was hysterical. The guy just didn’t cook any food. He talked. And talked. Everyone had to say they loved pot. I was sitting on the end and he asked me, my name, where I am from, and what I like about Jamaica. I said, “Luke, California, and the water.” He was like “what did you say?” I repeated myself. And then repeated it again. Then he said that “I was going to fast.” It was hysterical how bad this dinner was going. A guy from Tennessee literally got up and left. It was an hour into the dinner and we still hadn’t gotten any food, but he was clamoring away. Eventually, the supervisor came over and took over for him. We got food, albeit a little well done. Number one rule with restaurants—show is second to food. It can be bad food, but at least give us something.
Grant was ready to leave and looked for flights when we got back. He couldn’t’ find any so we decided to stay. The next morning we walked down to the pool and beach. There we were greeted by tons of “friends” who wanted to sell us souvenirs or drugs. There were literally kids playing on the beach next to drug dealers. It was the strangest site. We ate jerk chicken, took a free tour bus to a shopping center, and then just stayed in the room away from everyone. The next morning, we got a taxi, went to the airport, and tried to get home a quickly as we could. This experience definitely soured us from wanting to go back to the Carribean anytime soon.