“I have fun in Orlando although I am always scared I am going to die”
“I think Hollywood’s Horror Nights is better than Orlando’s Horror Nights ”
With Florida, you go and you never know what you are going to experience. Each time we visit something new and unexpected happens. Last year, we got bad news about our surrogacy. On this trip, we were too hot to care about anything else happening.
A heat wave struck Labor Day 2022 across the US and we traded hot and dry San Diego for a hot and humid Fort Lauderdale/Orlando. As a last-minute addition to our list of trips remaining for the year, Grant booked us on a trip to Orlando by way of Fort Lauderdale. The flights left on Friday at 9:30 pm PST, which meant a 5-hour flight and a 3-hour jump in time would get us in at 5:30 am EST. Neither one of us had taken a red-eye flight in quite some time and the next morning we would be feeling it. Very strange to take off shortly after sunset and land right before sunrise.
Again, this trip was interesting as, being a pricey holiday weekend, we decided not to stay in a nice hotel, but rather a very generously awarded 3-star Rodeway Inn & Suites (For a steal Grant found on Hotwire). The “we” in this scenario was Grant who technically booked the hotel, and me persuading him to keep the paid reservation after realizing what he had done. The saving grace of the hotel was that they recently upgraded their beds. However, that is where the luxury of the hotel ended. The AC did not work all that well and the shower had less pressure than the sink faucet.
What made the situation even more comical was that less than 6 hours after we had checked in for our two-night reservation, we received a knock on the door from an employee asking us, “are you going to stay here?” It was like they knew when they saw us that this was not going to be a good fit. Half naked answering the door, I mumbled something like “I guess so.”
The attendant was lucky that it was me that answered the door and not Grant because I am sure his answer would have been something a little less friendly.
The commotion kept me awake and so I just waited up until Grant joined the land of the living. Having gotten a bit more sleep than I did, he suggested that we feast at Carrabas. He got what he wanted today, and I would get what nasty chain I wanted the next day. The waiter forgot my meatballs, but the sooner we got out of there the better as far as I was concerned.
An afternoon activity had not been decided so we searched for an activity and came across the Fort Lauderdale Flamingo Gardens. Having never heard of it, but coming up on multiple sites as a must-do we took the advice. The problem, which was a problem throughout this entire trip, was the muggy heat. The car that we rented was from Maryland and I am sure it was begging to get back home. The AC was not stellar and even on full blast it whispered rather than roared with cool air. That and the lack of sleep. I can’t forget to highlight the little to no sleep that I was personally under.
As we were driving, Grant asked me a question to which I caught a tone and answered, “You are supposed to know Palm Springs.” Grant confused, “We aren’t in Palm Springs...” Me: “Huh…where are we?” Grant reassuringly stated, “Fort Lauderdale.” And without missing a beat, I reply “You are supposed to know Fort Lauderdale!” Maybe you have to be there, but it was hilarious. The heat/lack of sleep/my general bitchiness is all coming out. I link hell and heat with Palm Springs. If you ever want to torture me you know where to send me.
The Flamingo Gardens were less about the Flamingos and more about the Peacocks for sure. Everywhere you looked you were seeing them and nearly stepping on them with each turn. It is hot as hell, you would think we would know not to choose an outside activity. To this, I again blame the lack of sleep for us both, but we persevered. We wandered around the grounds for a bit and were fortunate enough to come to a tram service that was kind enough to give us a tour of the entire grounds as we sat on our butts. Happy to enjoy the shade of the tram, we listened to the tour guide share stories of how the gardens were Indian land, originated as an orange field from a couple who resettled in Indiana, and evolved into a park for tourists to visit. The best part of the journey was that we got to feed the flamingos and also go to feed the peacocks.
Grant recognize the decrepit state that I was in and offered to release me from my “beach obligation” and sleep at the hotel. I happily agreed. He went to the beach and had a lovely time. The beach was packed with families, but Grant commented on how relaxing the bobbing on the beach was. Upon his return, we went to dinner at a place called Andy’s Fire and Grill. Eh…the food was okay. Nothing to rave about and also nothing that would make us want to go back to this restaurant. Personal recommendation— skip it and stick with Casablanca near the water.
With the blazing ball of fire finally setting over Fort Lauderdale, I told Grant that I wanted to share the experience of bobbing in the water with him. I use the term bobbing rather than swimming because you kind of push your way out in the water and then just go up and down like a bottle floating. It’s unlike the beaches anywhere else I have ever been. When we got there it was dark and deserted. Grant reiterated that there were people there earlier. I asked Grant if we missed a memo about a shark or jellyfish, but we both laughed it off and proceeded into the water anyway. The memo we did not get was the seaweed that kept crawling on our skin in the dead of night as we floated in the water. This then of course turned into a game of creeping the other out and me throwing an ungodly amount of seaweed at Grant. It didn’t take long for the creep factor to take over and we got out. After a quick walk to pick up a T-shirt we called it.
The next morning we beat the employee waking us up, and hit the road for Orlando. The heat followed us wherever we went on this trip and was hotter. Neither Grant nor I had been to Boca Raton so we made a special stop to check that area out. It was a retirement community, but it was very well manicured and everyone we spoke to was pleasant. We stopped at an amazing breakfast place called Another Broken Egg Cafe and chowed down on some amazing grub. Any place that gives you complimentary beignets for never having eaten there is a winner in my book!
The drive from Fort Lauderdale to Orlando is about 3 hours and we needed something to break up the trip. Google is amazing and there are so many websites dedicated to “stops in between two places” that you can find some incredible destinations. The one that piqued my interest was Lion Country Safari. Having missed the one in New Braunfels this year, I wanted to go to this drive-thru safari. We also learned from our prior mistake and thought this was an excellent choice considering we did not have to leave our air-conditioned car.
Upon entering, someone how persuaded the gate attendant to give us the government discount based on teaching for a state-based school. Not sure I qualified, but with several cars behind me already testy from a long wait to get in— I think she was doing herself a favor.
With my current mental state on the mend after a restful sleep, Grant was kind enough to continue to allow me just relax as he volunteered to drive. I think this was more from him than me as my driving style is less conducive to relaxation and more conducive to inducing vomit. As we entered the park, we were told there were two lanes of traffic. If one lane was being used that you should move to the other and pass. This was not a memo that anyone else seemed to have gotten. As we passed through zone after zone of animals roaming free it was quite clear that the experience would be more enjoyable had people gotten the memo.
This is when Grant decided to spread the word not by using his voice (horn), but rather through his actions (by driving around them). It was hysterical. As the one that often draws jeers rather than cheers from my driving, it was nice to have Grant being the most hated driver on the road. The funniest thing about the whole experience was that Grant was “pulled over” by Safari Police not once, but twice for his infractions. Maybe it was the heat, but I played devil not an angel on his shoulder, and told him the worst thing they can do is kick us out, which is what you wanted!
The drive was fun, but the best part was by far the end where the rhinoceroses were able to stand right next to the car. This was by far the closest that I had ever come to these creatures and as one of my favorite animals a joy to do. What we had not realized before our entrance was that our ticket allowed us to enjoy the adventure park. Geared mostly for children, we did find two activities worth pursuing. The first is a paddle boat on the lake. The ride operator did warn us of the excessive heat so that was a unique warning that we hadn’t experienced. The second was the ability to feed a giraffe. Another first for the two of us, and ultimately one of the highlights of the trip for me.
The car ride to Orlando smelled as if we had taken one of the animals with us as both our clothes were drenched in sweat. Grant sped the entire tollway down to Orlando and we checked into our much nicer Holiday Inn hotel. After freshening up, we went to my Carbabbas counter — Cicis. I liked it and Grant tolerated it. We were even.
Next came the whole reason we went on this trip— Universal Orlando Resort Halloween Horror Nights! This annual tradition came out of Grant wanting to find another Halloween event and has been growing strong for several years now. It wouldn’t be Orlando if it was not unpredictable. As we walked from our hotel to the park, we were greeted by unctuous water not coming out of our bodies, but rather warm water falling from the sky. This pleasant change did not bring about the temperature change we had hoped, but rather just made it more sticky. We had tolerated the heat all day, and a little rain was not going to dampen our spirits!
We got there right as it opened at 6:30 pm and proceeded to buy a lanyard for our fast passes. It was opening weekend at the park and it was chaotic. As I was happy meandering around looking at the decorations, Grant was the eager one this year demanding to stop wasting time and to get one with the haunted houses. We set off and hit the first of the 10 houses of the night.
The first house was a dud, but as we kept going the better they got. The highlights this year were Dead Man’s Pier, which was probably the best decorated haunted house I had ever been to. There was a bar, a seaside, a pier, a dock house, a singing siren, and there was even rain inside this sound studio all designed to give you a haunted sea vibe. A+
Blumhouse’s Black Phone was a standout. Never have black balloons and a creepy guy in a mask been more terrifying. If you have seen the movie it resonates. The other standpoint was The Weekend House, which was based on the popular artists of the same name's recent cosmetic surgery-themed album. You went inside his warped mind, were attacked by bandaged surgeons, and ultimately watched his demise happen again and again.
One of the main differences between Orlando and Hollywood is the entertainment. This year, the show was fire-themed. With the temperatures still hovering around 95+ degrees, thousands of people cramping into a stadium, and “fire” it truly felt like hell had taken the stage in Orlando. I kept looking over at Grant making sure he was not passed out. The show was hot and had some amazing acts. We are glad that we saw it.
We finished the rest of the houses and came to realize that opening weekend may not have been the best one to attend. Also, the fast pass shaves the wait time in half rather than getting you onto the ride fast. We discussed upgrading to the RIP tour, which is a private tour next year. Prices ranged from $300+ a ticket for this feature so we are going to have to consider our options.
As the night concluded around 12:30 am, our carb overload at Cici’s had worn off so we needed to grab a quick bite to nosh on. Towards the front of the park was the Today Cafe. If you are ever in need of a quick sandwich this is the place to go. Very little line, food came out fast, and the sandwiches were fairly tasty for park food. Remember this for future years!
Grant had mentioned that a blister was forming on one of his toes early that evening and I guess it did not get better. As soon as we got out of the park, his sock and shoes came off. It was like he was doing the walk of shame on the Vegas strip, but instead of high heels, it was red tennis shoes. I razzed him back to the hotel, but he was confident in his decisions. When the lights went off back at the hotel, we both blacked out from exhaustion.
The next morning Orlando was Orlando. We ate at Cafe Tu Tu Tango. Do not eat here! They forgot some of our food, and we had to send back the egg rolls because there was cartilage or bone in them. We wanted to get out of touristy Orlando and drove around downtown. I was quite impressed with the architecture and landscaping of the buildings. We had just a bit of time to kill and we thought maybe stopping at a mall would be a good fit for the remaining time. We stopped at Orlando’s Fashion Square Mall. Do not go here! This mall could have been the poster child for sad malls in 2022. Almost all of the storefronts had closed and the food court was non-existent. We struggled to find the bathroom and then found it crawling with creepy crawlies. Airport, now!
Overall, this was a rather successful trip that didn’t have any hiccups. A hot trip, but it is not like San Diego was much cooler this weekend. As I finish writing this, I am being told to close up as we are about to land for our layover in Phoenix. Where the temperature outside is a cool 108 degrees! Would someone put me on a flight to Antarctica stat!
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Status update: after getting off the plane we found a quick bite to eat at the Phoenix airport. At 8:00 pm, we were notified that the plane had been “delayed” rather than canceled from its original 8:00 pm flight to 8 am the next morning. Unable to deal with another night away from Ludo, I volunteered to drive the 5 hours from Phoenix to San Diego. We were able to find a sports car from Payless (since nothing else was available to be transferred between locations) and shelled out an addition $325. Traffic was excellent, but with it being Labor Day the radar was bad even in the isolated areas where no cop should have been. We made it, Ludo was happy, and the curse of Orlando has been satisfied for another year.