“My name is Grant and I go blah blah blah blah blah blah....”
Oh, Canada! I know you are mocked all the time with South Park. I know your Prime Minister is Justin Trudeau. I love Canadian Bacon. You are big on maple syrup. You seem cold. And…that’s about it. I am sure if I really put my head to it that I can think of more trivial facts about Canada, but that's about all I knew. That is saying something considering both Grant and I have traveled to Vancouver, British Colombia. From that trip, I remember a draw bridge in the forest that freaked Emily out, driving like crazy to get to the Butchart Gardens, and nearly running over a homeless drug addict on a road that seemed longer than Downtown LA’s Skid Row. Needless to say— we needed to explore more of our Northern Neighbor.
Grant recently put in his notice at his job (don’t worry, it was because he got another one) so now was the perfect time to travel. I demanded that we go international and Grant relented. Too far away right before he started his new job. We made a compromise— international, but Canada. When I think of Canada, I don’t think of it as an international destination, but rather just the USA’s northern brother. …Or sister… Or gender non-binary sibling. However, we came to realize that Canada had its own personality.
We flew midday on a Wednesday from San Diego to Toronto. A direct route, which made the flight a breeze. Immigration took all of 5 minutes and we were off to get our rental car. Alamo charged us an arm and a leg due to the car being a one-way rental; returned to Montreal rather than back to Toronto. We rejected their attempts to upgrade to an SUV and were given a Mazda CX3 for the next four days. Not a bad car. Had seat warmers and even a steering wheel warmer so the Californians would be less cold.
Being the “crazy-doers” that we are — we made a reservation for Casa Loma’s Legends of Horror as our first stop. Casa Loma is a Gothic Revival castle-style mansion and garden in midtown Toronto that is now a historic house museum and landmark. It appears that every year they put on a Halloween experience and we just had to add this to our to-do list. Not knowing what to expect from a Haunted House on a Wednesday— we were blown away! This event was so cool. You walked the gardens of the property and were greeted by animatronics, live actors, noisemakers, air machines, projectors, lights, etc. It was like a full production just walking in. Having done multiple outdoor-based Halloween experiences this far exceeded any that we had ever done (Universal Studios’ Halloween Horror Nights excluded of course)
Once inside Casa Loma, we were told that we had reached the halfway point. Shocked that it was not over, we were only more shocked that we had entered a full-on dance party. Grant grabbed a drink and I got my first helping of poutine. Now the food was not legendary, but it was not horrific either. We continued into the house and explored the underground tunnels. There we were greeted with rats, more live actors, and other ghostly projected apparitions. The first half was definitely better than the second, but it was still enjoyable.
We ended up on a completely different property than where we started so we had to walk back to the car. There we set off on an hour-and-a-half journey from Toronto to Niagara Falls. Grant was hellbent on seeing the Canadian side that had alluded him in July of 2021 due to COVID. Along the way, the poutine was not settling right and I needed water to keep it down. We had the darnedest time trying to find a bottle of water. After stop number 4, we finally found a clerk who was in the parking lot and unlocked the door to let us in to buy water. After that, it was smooth sailing to our hotel room, which Grant put us in. The hotel was less than 100 kilometers away. I still can’t tell you what that equates to in feet/miles, but let's just say it was close! We walked over to check out the beautifully lighted falls and then turned in for the night about 45 minutes later.
The next morning (Thursday) we were up and ready to start our trip. I took off a few minutes early to stop and pick up a pair of pajamas and then met up with Grant. We snapped quite a few pictures of the roaring waters and then Grant coaxed me into doing Journey Behind the Falls. To me, it was a bit of a dud having done the Maid of the Mist and the Cave of the Winds in 2021. We got close to the falls and then saw a tunnel that had been crafted behind it. You couldn’t see anything besides the roaring of the water. While it is an engineering feat it was not an entertaining one.
A tad bored, we ended up going to Clifton Hills. A tacky street with any tourist trap that a kid would love. We stopped and picked up some peanut butter fudge in honor of my late Grandma who had taken me there as a child. She ate pounds of the stuff while we were there and had to continue that tradition. We also found the need to go on Frankenstein’s rollercoaster. A rickety old metal roller coaster on top of a Burger King. Not sure how many people can say that they have done a roller coaster on top of a Burger King, but I can now say with confidence it was the best one I have ever done. Also, the only one.
After getting sufficiently fleeced we reversed course back to Toronto. We set sail for Grand Cru Deli. Where did that restaurant come from? Well…Air Canada. When advertising Toronto it was listed as one of the “must-stop” culinary destinations. We were to be able to create our own charcuterie plate, a muffuletta big enough for 2, decadent desserts, and wine bottles galore. When we arrived, we were greeted by Andres. A tall German man who Grant began to gab with non-stop. After holding the menus for 5 minutes and Grant finally catching his breath— he handed them to us. None of what was promised was there. However, the ability to leave was gone because of the insistent need for Grant to babble on and learn about Toronto from a man who had just arrived 6 months earlier. While ordering, Andres even offered to give Grant a tour of the area. The problem was that Grant did not realize that this was Andres’s side hustle. When the wine and food came we attempt to eat it quickly and escape any further sales pitches.
When it became clear that we were not interested in the tour, Andres did recommend a few spots to review. Our first stop was the Canadian Walk of Fame. A little lackluster, but fun to see who was honored. We continued walking down Queen and King street respectively to check out the surroundings. We passed the CN Tower and eventually made our way to Saint Lawrence Market.
The one market that we had to try was the Carousel Bakery which offered the peameal bacon sandwich. Peameal bacon is a wet-cured, unsmoked back bacon made from trimmed lean boneless pork loin rolled in cornmeal. It tasted like good Canadian bacon to me and so I was pleased to inhale the meat.
Afterward, we rented bikes and attempted to ride them throughout Toronto. The one thing we learned about Toronto right away was that it is crowded. Cars, buses, bicyclists, scooters, and pedestrians were everywhere. Finding yourself alone in any area of the city seemed like an impossibility. We were able to sufficiently ride the bikes to the Distillery District and we disengage to walk the area. A cute pedestrian-friendly area that had tons of shops and food for a quick walk.
We got back on the bikes and then made our way to Yonge-Dundas Square. Marketed as the Time Square of Canada— this it was not. There were large projected screens on some of the buildings, but the magic and sheer size and energy of Time Square cannot easily be replicated. This was a dud and we quickly beelined it to the touristy Toronto sign near city hall. By then, Grant was beginning to chaff as jeans, a heavy jacket, and long bicycle rides do not go hand and hand. The bikes were dead.
We went to pick up the car that we had parked near the restaurant. This is when we truly began to experience Toronto. The traffic was insane. Going 1.5 miles took 30 minutes. Instead of going to the University of Toronto and our hotel, we pivoted and went directly to our evening show at Second City. Grant had made a friend, Geoff, the prior week when they both sat in the audience at a taping of the Conners. Geoff lived in Toronto so we got to meet up with him at the comedy show. The show was rather funny and clever at parts. It was nice having a local who was able to translate some of the Canadian pop-culture references that they had. Interestingly enough they used quite a bit of American pop-culture references so we were not completely lost. Afterward, we stopped for a quick nightcap with Geoff at Allens. The polenta fries were quite tasty. The conversation was great, but Grant enjoyed it. Blah blah blah blah blah….Grant would not shut up. I paid the bill and the two of them were still babbling on absentminded about their surroundings. The quick nightcap turned into a long nightcap, but eventually, we all parted ways.
Friday morning was the day I was most excited about. I love road trips. To me, finding cheesy stops along the way to a destination is the best. From Toronto to Ottawa they had some doozies! Before we left, we stopped at the University of Toronto (postponed from the prior evening) because there were a lot of films shot there. Unfortunately, the campus was mostly under construction so all the beautiful buildings had gates and machinery in the foreground. We also visited Kensington Market. Both are fine but glad they were a quick stop rather than a long one.
On our way out of the city, we found the freeway to be surrounded by beautiful red and orange foliage. Autumn is so apparent in this part of the world and it was great getting to look outside to realize the time of year when we usually need a calendar just to know. The first of our road trip stops after Toronto was Primitive Designs. This was a stop that I could have spent all day at. Advertised as a sculpture park— it was so much more. They import items from all over the world and house them in their warehouse. The price difference between US dollars and Canadian (in US favor) made everything we purchased 28% cheaper and the prices were already really reasonable. This was the first store where I told Grant just pick up anything you find interesting and we will get it. Well, he did. And I won’t be saying that ever again. I am still amazed that he was able to somehow get the large metal sculpture of a Dog in a doghouse on the plane, let alone back in one piece. I found a mask so you know I was happy. After shelling out nearly $200 on souvenirs we didn’t need, we left to continue the road trip.
Grant kept seeing signs that said "PizzaPizza" everywhere and kept mentioning how that is what Little Caesars use to have as their slogan. We finally found a stop to get some at and it wasn't bad. On the same quality as Little Caesars, but since we had not had much to eat it probably tasted better than it should!
The next stop was the Big Apple in Colborne, Ontario. We initially got lost and ended up where they grow the apples. After driving down the road a bit, we saw the big apple (which doubled as an observatory) and grabbed a piece of apple pie for the road. We made one more pit stop in Kingston (the original Capital of Canada) and then made our way to Ottawa.
Grant and I conversed and instead of stopping in Ottawa to check out the surroundings to keep going the 20 minutes to Chelsea or the Nordik Spa-Nature. We made the right choice. Nordik Spa-Nature is the largest spa in North America and was spectacular. Hot tubs, dry saunas, wet saunas, hot pools, cold pools, outside showers, waterfalls, bonfires, heated hammocks, and probably more that we missed. We changed into our rubs and immediately went and sat for dinner. Grant was in heaven as he saw that everyone was eating their meals in robes. It didn’t take long before we were in the hot tubs relaxing in the quiet zone. Grant lasted a whole 10 minutes before he broke his silence and had to go into the talking wet sauna. I joined him and we ended up talking to two girls, Kat and Kiley, who told us about “the ritual” that they perform at the dry sauna every hour.
The “ritual” was nothing like we have ever done. The dry sauna was cranked up and they brought in shaved ice infused with essential oils. They would smash the ice and let the smell fill the room. Then the “ritual guru” would dance and swing a towel blowing the hot air towards us. Since we were there as the spa was closing we got to enjoy another “special ritual” that only 20 guests were able to experience and allowed us to be in the hot sauna for 20 minutes. The “ritual guru” did some of the same techniques as the other ritual, but then added additional water techniques with bushels of banya leaves. He splashed the water from the leaves all over us and then proceeded to rub the leaves all over us.
When we arrived, I upgraded us and added on the “Kalla”. Denser and with more Epsom salt than the Dead Sea, this underground salt pool was incredible. They say that 30 minutes floating here is the equivalent of 5 hours of sleep. I was so excited to start when Grant came over and said— can you help me? He stuck the earplugs they gave him too far up his ear and he couldn’t get them out. I attempted to, but we needed tweezers. We flagged down a waitress and she called the medic to assist. It was a quick procedure to pull it out (in the middle of another restaurant in our swimsuits) but also hysterical that had done that to himself. He recovered and we enjoyed ourselves.
The evening ended with me wiggling my way like a worm into a sleeping hammock. It was a normal hammock and they added a multi-layered cocoon of electric blankets and zippers where it felt like you were being given a warm hug. The rest was transformative and I emerged as a beautiful butterfly. No, not really, but the metaphor was just ripe to be used for this experience. Neither Grant nor I wanted to leave (which is saying something), but after the last-minute exfoliation station, we stumbled upon we begrudgingly left. Grant and I will be dreaming about this spa for years to come and comparing everyone we go to against it.
The next morning (Saturday) we got up and explored Ottawa. Like Sacramento, there are pretty buildings, but not a lot of adventure activities that we prefer. We saw Parliament, Canada’s mint, and quite a few other Canadian landmarks. With most of them closed or closed for renovation, we parted ways in Ottawa early and we were on our way to our final stopping place in Montreal.
There wasn’t much to see between Ottawa and Montreal. It was a painful one-road highway with limited stops. We did make one stop in Montebello and got chocolate at the ChocoMotive. Eventually, we made it and quickly realized that everything was in French. Not a big deal as everyone here was bilingual, but Quebec is a distinguisher between Toronto/Ontario. Grant put us in Old Montreal and it was the spot to be! We did a quick once-over of the area, checked out La Grande Roue De Montreal (Ferris wheel), and Quartier Des Spectacles Montreal (Arts District).
Time flew by and it was time for dinner. We tried getting into a few restaurants but were denied access because we didn’t have a reservation. Fortunately, someone canceled their 8 pm reservations at the Bonaparte Restaurant and we slipped in. When we walked in, we had no idea this was a fine dining experience where people were dressed up from head to two. Grant and I of course were in T-Shirts and a tad musty from the day hike. While most would be embarrassed we did not care. Grant got the filet and I got the chicken. It was extremely tasty!
At our extremely slow dinner (which all meals seemed to be in Canada), Grant checked us into our flight. He got a boarding pass while I didn’t. Paranoid about having an issue and not getting home, Grant agreed to go to the airport to sort it out. 2 minutes at a kiosk and we were done. We decided to call it a night afterward.
All things must come to an end and Sunday was finally here. Our first stop was Eggspectation, a breakfast eatery by the hotel. I got the Montreal Benny, which was an English muffin topped with smoked meat, mustard, Swiss cheese, and a hollandaise sauce. Yummy. Grant, after 4 days of no one in Canada serving fresh brewed iced tea (he doesn’t do bottled or canned tea) decided to set up his station where he had a hot teapot, a tea bag, a teacup, and a giant glass of ice. Obnoxious, but he got his fix that lasted him the rest of the trip.
Afterward, we got in the car and drove around to see the other sites. We checked out the planetarium, the Parc Jean-Drapeau (Biosphere), and eventually realized Old Town Montreal was the best place for us. We lucked out and were able to park at the hotel since we had in-and-out privileges. We ended up walking over to Bota Bota: Water Spa Circuit on a recycled tugboat. Imagine a spa with hot tubs, pools, dry saunas, wet saunas, and cold plunges on a miniature cruise ship and that’s what you have at Bota Bota. A bit pricey, but we got to use the leftover Canadian Dollars that I thought we would need. No cameras were allowed inside so it made the experience much more relaxing. I stayed in the quiet section, while Grant stayed in the talking section. We crossed paths throughout and created a game plan for our exit.
Our time was way too short there, but we eventually had to leave to catch a plane. The streets in Old Montreal are confusing due to them being one-way. The roads by the Montreal Airport are impossible. Not really, but they were extremely easy to get turned around and lost. Thank god for smartphones and GPS otherwise we would have never been able to find the gas station, the rental car return, or the airport for that matter.
When we left the car returned and walked over to the airport I saw an American flag with a word that looked like Terminal underneath (French). I told Grant—let’s go this way. I was right! Who needs to know French when you got a picture of a flag! Haha!
The security line was empty so I happily handed my boarding pass to the attendant who scanned it. DING. Sir, you need to take this. You need to do this, and this, and this, and you must go throw the mental detector and then rotating security detection…and I must pat you down, and your bags need to be swiped for gun powder residue. Thankfully, we made it early because I had to have the full Canadian TSA experience. I asked “why?” and they said the airline randomly choose me. How lucky of me!
After repacking everything, we got to go through customs. Global Entry is the best! I simply looked at a camera and pressed a button. They printed off a ticket with all of my information and I was able to skip the extremely long customs line. The more you think about it the scarier it is to think that a photo of your face can give so much information, but realistically this shouldn’t come as a surprise.
I am writing this on the plane and helps kill time. So far the flight has been smooth and everything appears that we may even get into San Diego early. Canada has been a blast, but we are ready to head home. I know we learned more about Canada by experiencing it, but I don’t think we are wiser having been there. Canada will always be Terrance and Phillip from South Park to me. This experience really solidified that for me rather than changing my perspective. With that said, it was a beautiful country and the people are just the friendliest people you will ever meet (besides that one that flicked me off for driving too close). Canada - True, North, and Strong.